Not even a single stirring. Bai Qian realized she was truly dead inside. In the presence of the man who she’d once offered to follow to the death. The man who’d fathered her child. The man who was once her husband. Now she saw him only as a participant in her plan of revenge or at least that was what she’d assumed.
It was appropriate to say she was testing herself and Ye Hua all along. Curious as to how far he’d go because in her mind, the uncertainties placed by SuJin regarding his love, nevertheless persisted. Bai Qian still believed that he never loved her and she was nothing but merely a rebound from SuJin.
High Goddess Bai Qian Queen of Qingqiu was a rebound for a lowly immortal, who was an honorary Princess only due to her clan’s sacrifice.
Even her name. How shameless of him to call her SuSu was for the Su in SuJin’s name. How humiliating it was to know it was she who came between him and her. And how he’d used SuSu to make SuJin jealous after she married his grandfather. His desires and later intentions are all driven by his guilt and pity for taking her eyes.
SuJin successfully planted the seeds of doubt, those seeds burrowed their deep roots into her heart and mind.
In her beliefs, all of his efforts were based on his profound guilt and mostly charity. Over her three years time in Nine Heavens, everything she’d previously believed to be truths became falsities, a facade created by Ye Hua and SuJin.
She recalled his hesitation to speak of his family while still on Mount Junji. Numerous countless times had she not asked if he had a previous wedding arrangement? If he’d been honest from the start, she wouldn’t have asked him to stay. In many ways, she felt like his mistress more than a wife. Hidden away and kept in absolute secrecy.
His confusing words and contradictory treatment of her while in Nine Heavens. How he barely spoke or told her anything but then she rarely saw him. That also included the times when she had eyes to see him.
Furthermore, those hurtful, bitter remembrance remained. Hadn’t he said ‘I only believe what I saw‘. His cold response to her after he’d saved SuJin at Zhuxian Terrace and swiftly carried her away, but left SuSu there pleading for him to believe her. That was their reunion after his long absence.
From her viewpoint which was totally expected. Ye Hua wore two faces. Behind closed doors, she saw the fleeting and flash-like glimpse of the man she loved but publicly, always he humiliated and degraded her continuously. He’d merely vaguely said to keep to herself without ever offering a valid, precise reason to better help her understand.
Had he been honest from the start and explained his precarious position. Had he even once informed her of everything instead of allowing misunderstandings to arise? If he’d told her anything at all instead of the cold silence she endured, Bai Qian or SuSu would have protected herself rather than being swayed by SuJin, and foolishly falling in every one of her traps.
Her heavenly trial. After her return to immortality, Bai Qian became aware of his original plan to have SuSu drink water from the River of Oblivion, after A-Li’s birth. She knew he was the one who came up with her punishment for the incident at Zhuxian Terrace. And it was Ye Hua who requested to remove her eyes personally.
Zhe Yan healed her eyes after jumping from Zhuxian Terrace, so why couldn’t they have just healed SuJin’s instead of taking SuSu’s. They had other options but how easily, too effortlessly without hesitation, stole them from the innocent and weakest one. They took hers.
Her greatest regret because she had so many. If she could have gone back in time when Ye Hua said he would marry her and become her eyes, Bai Qian would have spit on his face instead of pleading and begging for him to stop.
All her past shameless begging and groveling. The only one she felt true anger, and hostility towards was herself and her prior behaviors.
More than anything else her past disgraceful displays of lack of self-pride, inner strength, and dignity twisted her insides and caused High Goddess Bai Qian to winch from the injury. Ghost pains were just like the phantom feeling of a baby kicking inside her that kept her up at night still.
Her stolen child, A-Li. The child she grew inside her while enduring hardship and misery. Whom she’d yet to hold and see because she’d touched his hand once, after the loss of her sight before her departure. Although the cooing sounds, he made then still echoed in her ears.
Lies. Unintentionally, she did have a hidden agenda. Bai Qian unknowingly deceived herself too because she deemed herself and Ye Hua to be debt-free. However, only after seeing him, does she realizes she wasn’t done punishing him.
To be continued…