Days of the week…
I woke up to what I thought was a stranger’s face staring back at me. I didn’t recognize him until he called me his ‘mother’ and I knew it had to be my A-Li. It was my beautiful son, my darling A-Li, but I didn’t recognize him. He was different and somehow he was much older by one hundred years or more, and it was then I came to realize that I’ve been asleep longer than I believed.
Then I asked myself why? Why I’m still alive? Why am I still breathing? I ask myself these questions because this isn’t my first awakening. No, they keep bringing me back and saving me when all I want to do is die…
She cringed. Bai Qian forcefully slammed the journal shut, and threw the narrative book far across the room as if it were a piece of burning coal. She scrutinized the diary for long hours without taking a single step towards it, because she lacked the heart and the courage to read another word.
Just from the few paragraphs she read, she could easily surmise there were details of her life inside the diary that she didn’t want to know. Still, Bai Qian hesitantly rose from her bed, stood still to gather her wits before slowly walking towards the open journal on the floor.
It was there waiting for her. Just lying there looking so harmless, but Bai Qian’s right hand involuntarily tensed into a tightly clenched fist, before carefully picking up the book. She returned back to the warmth, the comfort of her sleeping platform with the journal tucked under her arm, and took a deep breath, then cautiously reopened the panic inducing pages at random to different days of the week.
Sunday ~ One by one, they’ve come to see me. They came to look at the undead, and I pretended to be asleep because I’m too full of shame to look anyone in the eyes. Still, they touched my skin, my lips and ran their fingers lovingly through my hair, but all I could do was think about my poor dead child. My poor daughter…..
Monday ~ My A-Li came today and strived so hard to sound cheerful as if nothing is wrong. He repeated funny stories then he thanked me for being alive. After he left, I cried for hours. I don’t deserve to be his mother.
Tuesday ~ My mother cries too much. She brushed my hair, and I could hear her faintly sobbing before she begged me to return to her repeatedly. I couldn’t look at her, and stared off blankly into the distance entirely too ashamed for being the most unfilial daughter.
Weds ~ Zhe Yan knew I was faking when I kept my eyes shut like the dead. He whispered it was alright and he wouldn’t tell anyone, then gave me a medicine that put me to sleep for real. His potion gave me a coma-like peaceful slumber for days without my nightmares. Thank you, Zhe Yan, for everything.
Thursday ~ I figured out how to do it. I’m going to use the Jade Purity Fan to decapitate myself, but I can’t do it now because I’m never alone.
Friday ~ It was odd but I never realized before how similar they were, but with my eyes closed, I didn’t know until I felt his mustache on my skin. He stroked my cheek, kissed my lips, and I fought back the strong urge to recoil, when he whispered in my ear with such heartfelt sincerity.
“My Shì Qī, don’t be afraid to come back to me. You know I miss you and I need you. My love, wasn’t 70,000 years apart long enough? How long do I need to wait to marry you?”
Her body lurched forward and she gagged. Bai Qian flung the leather bound book aside, and raced outside abruptly overcome with most intense nausea. She plummeted to her knees in the very spot where she stood, and dry heaved outside the Fox Den continuously.
She wondered what all did this mean? How could something like this have occurred, and how could she have cheated on Ye Hua with someone else? It was unbelievable and if the details in the diary were correct. Bai Qian had shared physical intimacy with another other than her child’s father, and who was Shifu?
“Why? Why would you do such a vile thing?!” Bai Qian cried, and had the sickest feeling in the pit of her stomach that this Shifu in her diary was Mo Yuan.
How could she have had a sexual entanglement with Ye Hua’s brother, and why did Mo Yuan think they would marry? Deep in her heart, Bai Qian thoroughly knew her liaison with him couldn’t have been, due to dissatisfaction with Ye Hua. So why would she commit such a terrible act of betrayal?
“How could you act like such a filthy whore?” She whimpered feeling dirty, and unclean, and suddenly felt overcome with the strong urge to bathe.
Too distraught was she to notice the large dark boots standing before her, and Bai Qian’s lips quivered as she wiped her tears. Then her eyes slowly drifted, traveled, and swept up the length of the darkened men’s garment.
The soft voice spoke to her before Bai Qian’s eyesight reached the neatly tied bow at the waist. When he spoke, he whispered, “My Shíqī. Why are you sitting outside on the dirty ground?”
To be continued…..