“Ye Huaaaa…” My husband? No. It’s the Crown Prince’s name, like a prayer, murmurs linger on my lips as I awake. It’s nothing new but a bad habit that I have to yet eradicate from my yearning heart, body, and brain. Call it a work in progress.
Anyways, he or the man with his strikingly handsome face came to see me earlier before my nap, or was it yesterday or the week before that? A prolonged lung emptying exhalation expels as my long, loose hairs hang in my face when I shake my groggy head in confusion, giving me the appearance of a madwoman.
I suppose my dazed look is fitting since everything confounds me of late. I feel off, out of sorts, remote from myself. Maybe it is due to my pregnancy, but I’ve become disoriented, scrambled with the inexplicable manner in which time seems to flow in Nine Heavens. It’s not a matter of days but feels more like one unending moment, eternity, yet the tiny, almost nonexistent minuscule bump on my lower abdomen tells me it’s only been a few weeks best.
One voice, mine, remarks aloud because I’m always alone in this great chamber, “How foolish of you, stupid mortal woman, Susu! What did you expect?” I scold and answer myself, another horrible practice I’ve picked up since not even the attendants will look in my direction, let alone converse with me. If I don’t chat with me, who will?
“Your lowly mortal body resides in the immortal celestial realm, and inside your humble womb grows the imperial offspring of a divine deity.” My faint laughter, which sounds like a soft cry, follows gently, resounding around me. I must be gradually losing what’s left of my mind because I’m alone. However, my pregnancy hormones make my sense of smell hypersensitive, more acute, and deceiving me at this moment.
Clean, like laundry drying in the open air, earth’s freshness overflows my senses. Ye Hua’s masculine scent swirls in the air as if he were sitting on my bed’s vacant edge, and that distinct perfume brings back memories of us overcoming me to break down in tears. His body’s smell, his long raven sweat-drenched clumps of silken hair hanging in my flushed face, single strands between my teeth from above, has branded my brain like a tattoo. Remembering his lapping tongue, licking my bare exposed neck, sucking on my breasts causes my fragmented heart to step beats; my steady, even breathing quickens too suddenly. Pressing over my sternum, grasping my chest to reduce the ache, I subdue my heavy panting breaths.
There was a time not long ago when his heated body touched mine how the sun joins, meets, and settles on the horizon. That warmth, of course, he was the sun and I the horizontal plane in wait for him to dip and sink inside me. He’s still the sun, but instead of sundown, it’s high noon, and I’ve become but a troublesome moth who flies too close. My freshly scorched, tattered, and crisped wings are evidence of this new precariously troubled symbiosis between us.
‘I hate you,’ This horrible comment is directed both at me as much as Ye Hua. My tightened lips form the bitter words flashing through my regretful mind as my splayed open palm settles on my stomach as if to shield the innocent little one growing inside me. What blame does this child deserve when it was I who suggested having him.
“Well, you got what you wanted, Susu, didn’t you? You asked for a baby, and Ye Hua, like a proper gentleman, complied and repaid his life debt,” Mumbling in frustration as I lay flat on my back and stare up at the ornately carved ceiling. Pregnancy isn’t the only reason why I prefer to waste time sleeping and dreaming. My slumbering illusions are beautiful, more heavenly than any part of Nine Heavens. This strict and rigid place, divine abode to immortals, has as many rules and protocols as sunlight, which is constant. I despise my surroundings as much as I do Ye Hua and equally, if not more, as to how much I still foolishly desire, craving for his skin sizzling touch that used to make me groan out in ecstasy.
Feast or famine. On Mount Junji, it was a time of banquets, and now it’s the time of constant hunger. My fingers are reaching up to caress my lips the way he used to do, tracing and retracing the shape. Regretfully the sensation isn’t the same. Not even close but closing my eyes, I think back before Ye Hua abruptly came into my life, and self-pleasure was all I knew. A rebellious feeling of defiance commands my nimble fingers to began unfastening the long row of buttons down my nightgown while forcefully kicking the heavy and cumbersome covers off the bed with my feet.
I’m alone. It’s not as if anyone will walk in on me; therefore, I drop my silky nightgown on the floor directly on the pile of discarded beddings. After taking in deep inhale, my tight chest loosens when the warm air hits my bare skin instantly as my newly sensitive and enlarged nipples harden to pebbles on my rounded sore breasts’ tips. Exploring, discovering, and appreciating my new curvy figure, my hands instinctually seek to feel the current added weight from my previously small buxom. The fullness of my breasts surprises me. My taut nipples pucker then harden further when I slowly roll them between my fingertips curiously as a ripple effect of desire begins humming in my quick to arouse body.
Toe-curling sensations from my tingling nipples proceed down my navel like liquid heat, melting parts of my body along its descending path. New moisture from my female sex drips from me like morning dew. I can feel it trickling warmth down my inner thighs. A moistly slick sweet invitation for my hand, the wetness beckons the carnal animal within, and I’m nothing but a mere mortal without cultivation. Without hesitation, without shame, my eagerly urgent fingers seek, find stroking, separating my lower silky folds before deeply sinking into my nectar drenched wet heat.
“Ahhh,” moaning, my back arches entirely off the bed from the feeling of inner fullness. I can’t stop, one hand moving from one breast to the other frantically while the other penetrates my needy place like a harlot. That’s how I feel, exposed, uncaring how I might look to others with my thighs wide apart. The swishy sound of my moisture synchs with the ragged breathing and moans of my pleasure. I’m close… so close to the precipice, my edge when a vision of Ye Hua’s thick long, heavily veined erect manhood flashes in my mind suddenly.
I want to curse him, but the feelings of sexual gratification outweigh my inner rage when his damned name is the one I cry out as my self-pleasing body tenses tautly like a coil before release. The floodgate of my contained ecstasy crashes through as if smashed with a battering ram. Yes, a battering ram, that’s how he used to take me nightly so hard and so damn deep exactly.
The vivid memory of him having his way with me roughly is enough that my spent body tenses anew, yet this time considerably more. This added pressure creates an intense feeling, a severe need for something thicker, more fulfillment to stretch my private space as he did. Three of my fingers enter, withdraw, and return inside my tightening drenched soppy pink chasm at a frantically urgent speed. Roughly pinching my pointed nipple, it hits like a tsunami, no fiercer a tidal wave while wetness squirts from my lower treasure like a geyser.
“Yessss..” Echoes, harsh reverberations as I hear myself bellowing at the top of my voice alone in my room, “I’m cumming…Ye Hua, my love… I hate you.” My sexual crescendo comes to an end. ‘SuSu, why his name?!’ Bitterly I question as my brain starts to race and my quickened breathing slows. Longing, anger, disappointment and hurt turn my sexual moans and groans into quiet sobs as fresh hot tears run down my overheated, flushed rosy cheeks. Childish, I sound like a girl when I whimper, “I loathe myself for loving you, and I wish we had never met because I regret it all.” My faint cries become uncontainable sobs of despair.
I’ve been holding my breath because I shouldn’t be here for SuSu and the baby’s sake. Out of all the times to visit SuSu and watch her sleep under a spell of invisibility… After watching my beautifully pregnant wife pleasure herself but not being able to kiss, feel, or touch her…. all a part of my karmic debt.
I deserve all this, extreme punishment for deceiving her and now to hear how she hates and regrets ever meeting me. The heaviness in my heart makes it challenging to breathe. Until this very moment, I’ve been undefeated by any adversary or foe. However, her uncontrolled weeping, SuSu’s heartfelt expression of profound sorrow and remorse like the sharpest sword, has struck me to the bone—a fatal blow.
I dedicate this little ditty to SunInTaurus: an excellent writer, friend, and a genuinely kind human being. May you always sparkle like the gem you are, darling.
Much love, Unni