Chapter Two
Secrets
Meihua wasn’t a naïve, senseless child anymore. She knew logically running away with Ming was an idea that seemed wild, unlikely, and indeed irresponsible, but Meihua couldn’t help but consider his proposal more than once. As she ambled, slowing strolling through the creaky wooden gate that hung sideways into the small dusty courtyard, she shooed away the roaming chickens in the yard, holding a basket filled with clean laundry that suddenly felt cumbersome and heavier than before and her mind wandered despite how often she had scolded herself. She wondered, Was this it? Was this uneventful life was all there was for her?
Would she also marry someone like Father and have countless children like Mother? Meihua had always considered it a waste, a shame that mother’s life had turned to her current state. She wasn’t like other women in the neighborhood. No, Mother differed from the way she always held her head high everywhere she went. She could read, and write and had once worked in a grand house as a personal maid to the noble mistress before she met and married father.
“Girl, are you a snail or a human being? Quit daydreaming and come do my hair,” her father shouted from the small basin, where he was washing his face and brushing his teeth. She cringed with disgust when he noisily sucked the thick mucus from his nose repeatedly, spat phlegm, and coughed frequently between strokes of his old bristle toothbrush. A deep and unpleasant sound that seemed to scrape against the back of his throat echoed, followed by another coughing fit.
Meihua couldn’t help but worry about her father’s deteriorating health; his condition always seemed to worsen when he drank, yet he refused to give up alcohol. She would never vocalize it, but it infuriated her that with his meager income barely able to provide food for the family, he still spent money on booze, gambling, and women instead of regularly purchasing vital medicine for mother. His excessive ways left Meihua with limited options. She sourly scowled when he turned his back to her, knowing she would have to brew tea with the fresh peppermint leaves she gathered on her way home yet again, trying desperately to bring comfort to Mother if possible.
She continued to scowl at him, but her father was an intuitive man. He seemed to sense she was glaring angrily at him and swiftly spun around. His contentious stare followed her movements as she half ran to him. His dark eyes bore into her like a hawk perched on a high branch, searching for any sign of disobedience or defiance. But this was nothing new, and it wasn’t any different this morning or the morning before that when he watched her with narrowed eyes and an unreadable but dark gaze.
“Slowpoke and lazy girl, do I have to build a fire under your feet to get you moving? I don’t have all day.” Father grumbled again, derogatory terms like ‘useless, simple-minded, waste of seed’ under his breath, but loud enough for her to hear as he frequently did only to her. He had threatened but hadn’t ever laid his hands on her, yet she feared her father terribly. He had always been a tall, imposing figure, with a stern, grumpy expression, and fisted hands that made Meihua shrink and wish to disappear in his presence. She wondered what mother could have possibly seen in him to marry him and give birth to eight of his children.
Focus, Meihua, don’t give him a reason to be angry, she reminded herself as she carefully combed his coarse hair with the wooden comb of missing teeth. She could see the age lines like a map etched deep in his golden from working in the sun, forehead and the double, two lines, furrowed in his brow and when he sighed with impatience; she sped up. Her hands moved deftly from years of practice, hurrying not to anger him more this morning.
“Jiejie, I had a dream I was peeing but accidentally did it in bed and I’m hungry.” Little four stood naked from the waist down, crying from the open doorway. “That’s ok, I’m coming.” Meihua jumped, relieved to get away from father. She rushed towards the dim light from the single lantern in their modest home, that barely illuminated the other small mats where her siblings slept, stirring as they woke up. Meihua saw shadows of their tiny forms, wrapped in worn-from-time thinning blankets and rubbing their eyes. Her mother’s exhausted face appeared in the kitchen, her thin, bony struggling hands preparing breakfast with whatever little energy she had mustered to get out of bed. “Mother, the midwife told you explicitly not to exert yourself. I’m here. Go back to bed. I’ll have your tea and breakfast ready in a moment.” Meihua said, guiding Mother toward her room.
Mother didn’t argue as she would have in the past. The last month of her pregnancy had sucked all the life and color from her delicate face. “Your mother had a terrible night. She barely slept. Stay close and don’t wander around today in case your mother needs you.” Father mumbled, putting on his socks. He stood to go and when he did, his bones cracked and popped with every movement.”Mother’s medicine has run out. There’s a little money left so I can run into town. I’ll hurry. I’ll rush and be back in less than an hour,” Meihua mentioned, setting the table with small bowls of congee. Strands of black tied hair fell in her face from her simple braid, and her clothes were slightly damp from doing the laundry. “Girl, you know the rules. I don’t want you going anywhere, let alone into town. You’re at the age where men can and will take advantage of you. What would you do if a group of scoundrels cornered you in a hidden alley? I won’t have a dirty, defiled girl living in my home and God forbid if you got pregnant from being a thoughtless girl. No, your sister can go as she normally does.” Father grumbled, taking a last look at her, scowling.
“Father, aren’t you worried that could happen to me?” Her sister, Meili, two years younger, asked between bites of her porridge, “No, what man in his right mind would touch you? Meili, you’re as ugly as the callus on my big toe and shaped like a boy. I might have bigger breasts than you.” The eldest brother Er’er, the lucky one who attended school, taunted, cupping his invisible breasts, shouting mockingly as he grabbed his lunch and rushed out the door behind father. Now with father gone, Meihua could finally breathe and quietly ate the leftovers from the others’ bowls standing in the kitchen as usual again Ming’s plans drifted back into her head but hearing mother’s gasping breaths in the other room brought her back to her harsh reality.
What was going through her mind? How could she entertain the idea of leaving when our mother is counting on her to support the family? The weight of guilt crushed her for even having such selfish thoughts. As the eldest daughter, it was her duty and responsibility to take care of her family. ‘This is my role. This is my role.’ She repeated this mantra in her head as she watched her younger siblings run and play outside, and then quickly cleared the table before rushing to her mother’s side.
Inside mother’s room, it smelled stuffy from her sickness. She pretended not to notice, knelt close to the bed, and tenderly, held the ceramic cup to mother’s trembling lips, making sure to hide the chip from view, taking note of how frail and sickly mother looked. “Mother, have some tea.” She said, smiling when mother took a few little sips, “Here, you need to eat to keep your energy up.” Meihua lifted the spoon with a tiny bite of porridge, but her hand froze nervously mid-air when mother began to cry. “My beautiful daughter,” mother whimpered and wept as Meihua had never seen before and her endless tears scared Meihua to the core.
“I must tell you something,” Mother whispered. “I fear if I don’t confess my sin, I’ll be doomed to hell for what we did to you.” It seemed to take all her energy and, with great effort, Mother lifted her head and reached under her pillow before handing Meihua a cold, white square-shaped item on a long golden braided cord and said, “You don’t belong here.” Mother struggled, gasping for air through waxen and pale lips. “You must find your biological family who are still searching for you.”
Meihua was paralyzed with shock as she listened to her shocking mother’s confession. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing yet it felt right. Her mind raced back to her childhood, trying to piece together memories and make sense of what her mother was saying. Mother had always treated Meihua differently from the other children, showing her special attention and affection. But now, Meihua realized that it wasn’t out of love, but out of guilt. Guilt for taking her away from her biological family and raising her as their own. Tears streamed down Meihua’s face as she stared down at the foreign necklace in her hand. It was a small pendant made of white jade, with intricate designs of random lines etched into its surface.
Mother’s head dropped as if it had taken every ounce of her life force to hold it up for that brief moment, seeming to sink deeper into her pillow. Her face was pale and drawn, her eyes sunken and shadowed with exhaustion. Her black hair, once thick and vibrant, now hung limp and greasy around her face. As she spoke, her lips trembled and her body seemed to shrink in on itself, weighted down by the weight of her guilt.”We were going to return you to your family after we got the money, but you were so beautiful, like an angel. Forgive my greed and for keeping you at my side when I knew better. I knew better…” Mother soundlessly wept as Meihua saw a large pool of blood soaking through the thin layers of bedding.
The unmistakable pungent scent of iron filled the air as Mother’s head dropped, a metallic tang that stung Meihua’s nose and made her stomach turn. The sick stench of illness and one’s failing body seemed to radiate from her mother’s body. Meihua pulled the covers off urgently. Her hands shook from trembling apprehension and that shock turned to horror. She was met with a sight that filled her eyes with both shock and fear. Between mother’s frail, slender thighs revealed the round head of a baby emerging from between them.
“Mother how long?!” Meihua screamed at her mother in a panic, realizing the danger she was in. She was slipping in and out of consciousness, too weak to push. Desperate and fueled by adrenaline, Meihua acted before her mind could process what her body was doing. The amount of blood was overwhelming, making it hard to see, but she bravely reached inside her mother, hoping to deliver the baby like she had seen the midwife do with the twins. But when she pulled the baby out, he didn’t cry or make any noise. He was unconscious and turning blue. With tears in her eyes and trembling hands, Meihua prayed for guidance and promised to sacrifice her own life for the baby frantically clearing away the blood, mucus, and brown matter from his mouth with her finger until he took his first breath. When he took that first breath and let out a faint cry, sounding like a lamb, Meihua cried too. She cried with him.
Meihua’s tears of joy and relief flowed freely as she exclaimed, “Mother, you did it! It’s a boy, and he’s so big and healthy!” Despite her labored breaths, Mother beamed with pride at the newborn baby placed on her chest. With a trembling hand, she reached out to touch the squirming bundle, and then Meihua’s cheek leaving a small bloody handprint on her cheek. “Karma. This is my karmic retribution.” Her eyes closed. “Mother is going first but you must find your own.” With a weak smile, she murmured for Meihua to go home before taking her last peaceful breath and falling into eternal slumber.