Comfortably Numb
Bobo~
The emperor forcefully closes the red silk-bound document. It has the names of the newest harem members chosen by the empress to serve him. He tosses it aside, sighing exasperated. “Bobo?” he asks.
“Yes, emperor, do you need something?” I reply and await his order.
The emperor leans back from his desk, puts his hands behind his head, looks at the ceiling, and speaks. “There’s this man I know who gets too many gifts from his wife. He has more than he needs. He wants her to stop giving him such gifts. How should he tell his wife?”
I reply, “Emperor, this man should just come out and tell the lady he has enough gifts and doesn’t want anymore. Honesty is the best policy.”
“While this man has considered that option, he’s worried she will feel that he doesn’t value her efforts, which he does most sincerely, but she is too giving.” the emperor states, reaching for his prayer beads.
He taps his prayer beads, pressing them back with the pad of his thumb. After a moment, I suggest the obvious solution. “Why not talk to the empress about your harem? She’s understanding and will respect your decision to not have any new women added. Let her know you’d prefer her to serve you.”
The emperor’s voice takes on a deeper tone as he addresses me, saying, “I was not discussing my harem or the empress. Your audacity has become quite remarkable. Tai fàngsì. I am referring to my friend, whose wife presents him with an excessive amount of… loquats.”
I find it secretly hilarious how flustered the emperor gets whenever he talks about his love life with the empress, especially now when he calls his concubines “loquats.”
“Your friend is lucky to have a caring wife. This lady is generous and should receive something in return. Since she gave him loquats, maybe he could surprise her with a basket full of plums.” I suggest playfully.
The emperor scoffs and shakes his head disapprovingly. He explains, “No need to get carried away. A basket is too excessive for his wife. If the plum is big, ripe, juicy, and satisfying, one is enough. One is perfect.” After a pause, he asks slyly, “What if he has already given her the ripe plum, but she hesitates to eat it?”
I try to hide my smile and cover my mouth as the emperor compares himself to a plum that the empress hasn’t tasted yet. I suggest that maybe the woman prefers loquats instead of plums, and since the man has plenty, he should share his with her. I say this with a sincere expression.
The binder comes flying over my head, knowing that if the emperor intended to hit me, it would have. He wags his finger at me,” You lack sense.” he scolds me then tells me of his plans for the evening. “Jinghua and I are going to enjoy some private brotherly bonding time playing Go. He’s been in the capital for five months, yet I last saw him the night his son was born.”
“Always excuses of being busy. How can he be busier than the emperor?” he exclaims. “I don’t want any servants around. We will take care of ourselves. I don’t want to be disturbed unless someone is dying!” he asserts and adds. “I expect our match to go late into the night. I want wines, tea and some snacks, fruits sent to my bedchamber, but no loquats. I’m sick to death of them.”
======
Jinghua~
A-li has joined the brotherly bonding session, turning it into a group of three. In the old days, this kind of gathering would have been pleasant and reminiscent of our younger years. My fondest childhood memories involve the three of us, locked in Jingyuan’s bedroom, acting childishly without restraint – reading, playing games, indulging in street food snuck into the palace, and napping. Because, for imperial children, idleness is a luxury.
Sadly, those days are gone. Nothing is the same anymore.
I’ve been avoiding the palace for this very reason. Because I can’t handle it. It’s too raw for me. I can’t bear to watch the woman I still love and my brother acting like a married couple. It’s difficult for me to be around them, as if nothing has happened between her and me while I’m burning for her because losing her is something I don’t think I’ll ever recover from.
My yearning for her will never fade, but maybe, just maybe, I can survive if I become comfortably numb.
It’s out of character for me to be drinking wine around my brother. Jingyuan doesn’t appear to mind or even notice when I finish multiple bottles of wine while we’re playing games, even though we typically drink tea. He stares intently at the board, never looking away. As I empty another bottle too soon, I regret not sitting in his place, away from the direct line of sight to her.
As Jingyuan and I engage in a game, before me, she lies in the center of his bed, fully engrossed in a book. The faint sound of her girlish sniggering echoes the chamber. She seems oblivious to my presence. In a relaxed pose, she sprawls on her stomach with her legs bent and feet crossed in the air. My mind becomes a dark playground, where torturous thoughts twist and turn, echoing through the corridors of my consciousness. Since the relentless pining in my beating heart controls the ebb and flow of my desires, seeing her makes me want her.
The sight of her entices me, a visual temptation that stirs a toxic mixture of longing and jealousy within me. She still wears the same perfume, distinctive and floral. A delicate veil of bergamot, tuberose, ylang ylang from a country far away, the fragrance envelops me, it’s intoxicating blend teasing my senses. As I glance at her dress, a subtle shift reveals a tantalizing glimpse of her smooth thighs. She lies on his bed in a way that ignites my dark imagination.
I can’t help but wonder what they would be doing if I weren’t here. Would he be taking her on all fours with her dress gathered and ruched up over her waist? The thought of Jingyuan sliding in and out of her, the slickness of her covering him, strikes a painfully biting chord of familiarity. It’s a sensation I used to know, a memory that now haunts me. I can almost feel the heat, the friction, and the pleasure that once belonged to me. Of course, he would indulge in such intimate moments with her. I chastize myself for being naive. She is his wife, after all.
The realization sinks in, a brutal truth that triggers greater torment and bitter resignation. What am I? A masochist? Why am I torturing myself with these thoughts? I should just focus on the game. I put my stone on the board. Jingyuan chuckles, finding my placement amusing. He grabs his white stone. His hand hovers as he speaks to her, sounding more like her father than her husband. “What’s the topic of your choice of literature today? It seems to be an interesting book. Is it written text of womanly virtues?”
She doesn’t look up. Instead, she responds with a charming, singsong voice. It reminds me of how she sounded in our youth. “Today’s topic is equestrian. It’s a captivating story about a rugged, skilled, stable hand and his generous young Lord. Fast, intense rides create an intimate bond between these men, leaving them both drenched in sweat.”
Her bare ankles cross, uncross, switch and cross again. They steadily move like shears being opened and closed. She adds regretfully, “It’s a shame it’s not a book with pictures.”
“It seems we have ‘Yueli the scandalous’ on our hands, Jinghua.” Jingyuan states, shaking his head.
He’s talking about the complexity of her multifaceted personality, which is like a diamond.
When we were younger, the daughters of other noble families came to the palace to be playmates for my princess sisters. One girl came from a less wealthy family. Her clothes and jewelry weren’t as nice as the others. Girls being girls, instigated by Shao Wan, the clique leader, bullied her, making her cry. They called her dress a rag, threw stones at her, and told her to go to the servants’ quarters where she clearly belonged.
A-li observed them with profound interest from a distance, without intervening. Waiting for what seemed like the perfect moment to confront them, she approached the group and wordlessly led the crying girl away by the hand. They returned wearing each other’s clothes a few moments later. A-li went back to the whispering girls with a sweet smile.
To the bullies, who were all anxiously whispering to each other, she said, “What do you guys think of my outfit? I bet there isn’t a single one of you here that wouldn’t switch with me? But I won’t trade with any of you because none of you are worthy to wear them.” She left them dumbstruck.
My fifth sister befriended the girl, whose clothes were swapped with A-li. Purely at A-li’s suggestion, my sister picked and selected her over all the other daughters who came to the palace. She served my sister as a playmate, then became her lady-in-waiting until she married our tenth brother, a love match. They were childhood sweethearts.
That was typical behavior of A-li the good. A-li the terrible was quite the opposite.
One time, as a playful, harmless trick, I pretended to throw her shoes in the lake and hid them behind my back. She glared at me with utter hate and leaped in the lake to retrieve her shoes. She could have asked a servant to fetch them. She could have waited or simply gotten a new pair since the palace is stocked with an endless supply of clothing for females. She was impulsive and headstrong enough to dive into a lake full with coy fish, turtles, and frogs.
This was despite she didn’t know how to swim.
I was about to go after her, but Jingyuan got to her first. Since he was already in the water, I didn’t think both of us needed to get wet. They rescued her from drowning. After vomiting lake water, she chased me until she looked like she might fall over. I heard her struggling to breathe, so I let her capture me and intentionally fell to the ground. This was a mistake. Adrenaline is a powerful energy source. It can make little girls incredibly powerful and as strong an imperial guard.
Even though I let her catch me, I could not prevent her from beating me up. I wasn’t attempting to defend myself, and I’m uncertain if I would have been able to if I tried. The force of her fists striking my face resembled that of hammers. When someone finally intervened and pulled her away, I had two black eyes and a bloody nose. One might assume that our conflict concluded at that point, but unfortunately, she harbors grudges because A-li is spiteful.
Regardless of rain, hail or shine, A-li purposefully came to the palace solely to locate my shoes and hurl them into the lake daily. She persistently carried out this act for an entire year, never skipping a single day until her kidnapping.
“Two men? How indecent. There you go, filling your brain with rubbish again,” Jinghua scolds her, expressing his disapproval. His words are stern, yet his soft tone adds gentleness. “Surely, you must have something better to read.”
She lowers her scroll, revealing her eyes. Her makeup is darker than usual, shaded with pink and purple pigments. Her long lashes are thick and blackened with kohl powder, making her amber eyes stand out. “I guess the emperor wants me to balance the harem reports.” She rolls her eyes at Jingyuan’s backside, then flips over, landing flat on her back. She holds the scroll overhead with straight stiff arms.
Mumbling faintly to herself, she says, “Where was I? Oh, yes, the benevolent lord was showing his appreciation to the stable hand with a wonder present… This lord is generous… Oh, so very generous.” She then snickers deviously and snorts once, like a piglet.
Jingyuan is entertained by her, but his amusement is cut short when Eunuch Bo enters the chamber silently. The servant bows, then whispers to Jingyuan, causing my brother to roll his eyes. “Bobo, can’t you handle this? I told you no interruptions tonight,” Jingyuan says disinterestedly, still focused on the game.
“Emperor, please,” whispers Eunuch Bo. He nervously wrings his hands and twitching and shifting around anxiously, resembling a desperate child needing the bathroom.
“Fine.” he resigns himself. Jingyuan sets down his stone and rises to his feet reluctantly. “I’ll be right back.” He sounds exasperated, but turns to me and makes me realize, he had noticed how much I was drinking, “Jinghua, like everything in life, a little is fine, but too much is bad for your health. Practice moderation.” He advises and leaves me alone with her.
The first moments alone with her are uneventful. A-li stays on the bed, snickering and reading, ignoring me completely. Despite Jingyuan’s advice, I drink more wine to calm my nerves, reminding myself that we are family and will have to be in the same place. It was inevitable I would need to get used to being around her as her brother-in-law, not her husband, but it’s vexing to be the sole person bothered by this situation.
She is lost in her own world, ignoring me while I’m sweating and too aware of her presence. I look everywhere but at her and try to compose myself when A-li, who is lying on her back, abruptly lifts her legs straight in the air, causing her dress to slide down, revealing too much skin. She tosses the scroll she was reading on the bed. Without moving her body, just her head turns and she stares at me intently, her amber gaze penetrating. Her lips, a bold fuchsia pink, look puffy and generous, curving into a seductive smirk.
Her smirk widens as she, out of thin air, produces a huge, vibrant yellow banana. My hands clench tightly, my knuckles turning pale as she peels the banana, the sound of the skin being discarded echoing softly. With an intense gaze locked on mine, she sensually licks the entire length of the phallic-looking fruit, her tongue leaving a glistening trail of saliva.
Then she rolls onto her stomach. She’s up on all fours, drawing in a deep breath. With her mouth open wide, she sensually moves up and down bobbing on the banana, creating wet, suggestive sucking noises, before sitting back on her knees with her legs apart, moaning and pretending to climax. She tosses the uneaten fruit aside carelessly and smiles smugly.
I’m numb from the wine and it’s making me want to drink even more. I have no choice but to desensitize myself. Ignoring A-li is the best option. I won’t fall for her tricks, even if she tries to provoke me. “Do you remember how satisfying it is?” She teases me by running her tongue from the right corner of her mouth to the left. “I’m sure you haven’t forgotten my skillful abilities.”
“Enough, A-Li,” I say firmly, my voice hoarse from frustration. I can feel the tension building in my body as I try to contain my exasperation. “Stop acting like a child.”
She recoils dramatically, her lower lip protruding, defeated. Her face falls into a pout, and with a theatrical flourish of her hand, she exclaims, “My cousin is being so mean! A-li was only offering to peel a ripe banana for you. I don’t understand why you are getting so upset over such a kind gesture. Maybe your character flaw arises because you don’t know about the incredible benefits potassium, abundant in bananas, can provide for your health and well-being.”
She leans back and rocks gently, her frame swaying with the motion. In a voice that was both frail and childish, she whines, her words laced with vulnerability, “Cousin can toy with A-li’s heart but…” Her tone abruptly sharpened, the babyish act dropping away like a discarded mask. Her voice is now venomous with sarcasm and bitterness. “Can’t you handle a little joke, cousin? I thought you enjoy toying with me, especially playing with my heart.”
I don’t want to argue with her. I understand why she’s upset. She’s acting like I had a choice in the matter, as if I intentionally caused her pain, which I didn’t. I’m hurt and confused about this situation. It’s difficult for me too. To diffuse the tension, I decide it’s best to remove myself from the heated conversation.
As I stand up to go, she hisses my name. “Yesssss, this is you, Jinghuaaaa. That’s what you do best. You abandon and leave things behind. You’re such a wimp. I don’t know how the hell I fell for a swindler like you?”
Her words sting, hitting a nerve deep within me that’s making my entire body tremble. I never wanted to be the one who walked away. I turn to face her, my voice raw emotional, “I didn’t plan this! Trust me, A-li, I wish I hadn’t come back from the dead!” My frustration takes over, and I can’t help but raise my voice. “Do you think any of this was what I wanted? Do you think I’m contented? Do I look happy to you?!”
In a flash, she springs to her feet, her body tense and quivering with anger. Furious, she glares at me, her eyes bulging with intensity as she storms across the room, the sound of her footsteps echoing sharply against the walls. There’s barely any space between us now, the air thick with tension and the scent of her rapid, labored breaths. “How dare you!?” She barks.
Her chest rises and falls quickly, the rhythm of her breathing matching the rapid beat of my pounding heart. In a fit of rage, she screams in my face, her voice piercing through the air like a thunderclap. “You are the bane of my existence! Two sons?!” The accusations cut through me like a knife, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
I began to speak, “They are not m…”, but before I could finish, her wild behavior stops me in my tracks. It’s a blur as she swiftly yanks up her dress in a single movement. Baring her teeth, she growls like a provoked hound before it attacks and, with purpose, she places her hands between her thighs before violently smashing her palms onto my face, as if attempting to suffocate me. Following that, she sloppily smears moisture from her female sex over my entire face roughly, then sandwiches my head between her hands before delivering forceful slaps to both sides of my cheeks simultaneously.
Her explosion tone of speech is fiery and embittered. “Take that, you sonofabitch!!” Her words are rushed and unbroken. “I can’t stand you!” That’s how she screeches in my face after what she just did. The scent of her honeypot mixes with the bitter taste of my shock. Speaking with sarcasm and venom, she clenches her teeth and trembles with rage. “You only wanted my body, so enjoy that. Because it is the best pussy, you’ll ever get in your entire life! Don’t say I never gave you anything!”
This side of Yueli had slipped my mind. She’s not only A-li the good, A-li the terrible, A-li the spiteful, but she is also A-li the psycho.
“Are you insane!? Have you lost your mind!?” I bark. It’s a surprise I can even speak, as I’m beyond astonished. I warn her harshly. “Jingyuan could walk in at any minute!”
Our eyes lock, and we stare at each other intensely. She’s furious and I’m in disbelief of what she just did to me until we hear voices coming our way. Jingyuan and Eunuch Bo’s return breaks the silence. A-li goes back to the bed, and I take my seat behind the game table. Both of us are trying to regain composure. My brother knows something happened with just one glance, but won’t accuse anyone.
It’s not long before A-li stands up and walks over to Jingyuan. She tells him she’s bored and yawns loudly. A-li complains about the lack of excitement and my terrible company. She expresses her desire to check on Jingyuan’s youngest daughter, the sixth princess, who is causing trouble for Consort Peng because of teething before going over the harem financial accounts.
“Cousin, it was a genuine pleasure to see you. Let’s not make this a habit, though.” She speaks to me with nonchalance dismissively as she walks away without a single glance back.
She tells my brother, “Emperor, savor your brotherly moments.” They stand together close. He’s the emperor, and she’s the empress. Their gold clothing, a perfect match, reflecting their unity.
Jingyuan gazes down at A-li and utters the words, “I’ll see you tonight.” There is tenderness in his tone, and it’s obvious he is fond of her.
Her reply doesn’t mirror his sentiment. In response to him, A-li adopts an attitude of indifference and rolls her eyes, muttering sarcastically, “Oh yes, the full moon and all that Ying-Yang harmony stuff. Blah, blah, blah. How could I forget such a significant day? Such anticipation.. I’ll be waiting with bated breath, emperor.”
With a sly smirk, she lets out a strange insidious sounding chuckle. “heheheheheh” that sounds almost like a monkey’s chuckle if it were possessed by a demon.
He playfully taps her forehead against his when she wheezes in pain and dramatically drops her head. A-li laments as if she has been seriously hurt and exclaims, “Emperor! The agony! Why do I deserve such harsh punishment?!”
She requests someone to summon the imperial doctor. She is worried that her wound requires special medicine and might not heal. She stresses the significance of obtaining the right medicine for treating such a precarious injury. The damage could be deadly. She is saddened by the thought that she may never recover fully.
Jingyuan, unable to hide his amusement, lets a slight smile curl under his mustache. Curious, he asks A-li, “I’m intrigued. What kind of “special medicine” would cure you?”
All traces of her illness vanishes abruptly, but her melodramatic spirit remains. A mischievous expression crosses A-li’s face as she, before our eyes, transforms into a persuasive minister seeking funds. Her posture straighten. While stroking an invisible beard, she stiffens her upper lip and answers in an earnest, “My special medicine comes in the form of money. Specifically, your money, emperor. I have a new project in mind. I am inspired by our cousin’s disabled wife and wish to establish a school for those with disabilities. I need funding for this endeavor.”
Jingyuan raises an eyebrow skeptically and questions, “How much will this project cost me?” A-li stands on her tiptoes, leans closer to him, and whispers the amount into his ear. Upon hearing the figure, Jingyuan exclaims, “The empress is an absolute scoundrel! Let the imperial guards know there is a thief in the palace.” He claims but nods approvingly, causing A-li to radiate with joy.
A-li mimics Eunuch Bo from his bowing, subservient stance to his high-pitched giggle, then she declares in her loudest voice, “The emperor’s grace is infinite and unmeasurable!”
She beams at him then takes Eunuch Bo’s arms. “Bobo, let’s depart from this dull party of yawns before we succumb to death by boredom. I have a new book that might interest you. The title is the Lord Ding and the Blacksmith.” They leave together, arm-in-arm giggling secretively. Jingyuan pauses, watching until she’s out of sight, and takes his seat across from me and our game resumes, as if nothing happened.
Just like that.
That’s when the true jealousy sets in, solid and unshakeable, like the foundation beneath a palace. I realize how incredibly envious I am. The jealousy doesn’t stem from them being married or them sharing the same bed. It’s not even of her birthing his children, but it’s the way she expresses her affections to him. There isn’t a trace of anger, resentment, or animosity between them. Not only are they married, but they are partners and… friends. I think that stings the most, realizing from her I will get nothing but her hatred, bitterness and resentment.
==========
A-ming is awake as I stumble into my manor. I tell her, “It’s the full moon; the night symbolizing harmony between Ying and Yang for the emperor and empress.” Of course, she can’t hear me and even if she could, she wouldn’t understand the reference, but she notices my intoxicated state and frowns. Through facial expressions and gestures, she conveys that she knows I am drunk.
She brings me sobering soup while I’m in bed, motions for me to drink it, and then picks up my discarded clothing. She tidies everything as usual meticulously, bows to go, but pauses upon seeing my expression and drops to her knees. Frowning and pointing at me, she gestures, then shrugs her shoulders and turns her palms upwards. She wants to know why I’m sad. Ignoring my silence, she points at me, touches my chest close to my heart, and then her hands imitates snapping something in half. She lets me know that she recognizes my heart is broken.
I nod, agreeing with her. She frowns harder, showing she feels sorry for me. It’s interesting how nonverbal people are so intuitive. She recognized right away that A-li was a good-hearted and trustworthy person at the school’s open house. A-ming also saw that I had upset A-li deeply that day and she guessed by A-li’s reaction to seeing me, I had hurt her before that as well.
“A-ming no sobering soup. More wine.” I tell her. She stared at me hesitantly, then goes. My head is spinning from a whirlwind of emotions. The room is a blur as I struggle to focus, my vision hazy and distorted. But amidst the fog, I can make out her silhouette as she approaches, the sound of her footsteps echoing softly in the room. She extends a fresh bottle towards me, the glass cool to the touch. As she switches out the empty one, the clink of glass against glass resonates in my ears, a melodic rhythm that matches the chaos in my mind. I take a deep breath, the scent of the alcohol filling my nostrils, overpowering and sharp.
I gulp down the contents of the bottle; the liquid burning my throat as it goes down. The warmth spreads through my body, momentarily numbing the swirling thoughts in my head. She sits on the floor beside my bed, her eyes locked on my mouth as I form the words. “I don’t love you,” I utter, my voice strained and slurred. “I never will.”
A wide smile spreads across her face, her soundless laughter filling the room. With animated hand gestures, she conveys her message, telling me she doesn’t love me either. A chuckle escapes my lips. “But I won’t abandon you. I’ll be here for you and your children,” I tell her. “Just know that my feelings are and will remain purely platonic.”
She signs, her hands coming together as she nods, expressing her heartfelt appreciation. However, her expressive gestures don’t stop there. She points towards my face. She frowns and her brows furrow and knot, creating a visual grimace that conveys her perception of my unattractiveness. She tells me I’m a friend, but no more ever. She emphasizes that I am a very good friend with her big, bright, happy, smiling eyes.
The sight of her sincerity makes me chuckle. It’s a reminder of A-li, how her eyes used to look at me in Qingshui City, a memory that floods my mind like a torrential downpour. The weight of this recollection engulfs me, and suddenly, I can’t hold back the floodgates any longer. Tears stream down my face, my body trembling as I surrender to the overwhelming sorrow that consumes me. The salty taste of my tears mingles with the heaviness in the air and the wine on my tongue suddenly sours as I grasp at my face, seeking solace in the warmth of my hands.
The suffering that has become intertwined with my very essence. It has seeped into every aspect of my being, leaving me feeling undeserving of shedding tears. The weight of this agony is suffocating, permeating my every thought, taste, breath, and sensation. It consumes me entirely, leaving no room for respite or escape. It’s nothing like what I have ever experienced before. It is a void that cannot be filled, and I’m helpless, unable to find a way out of this miserable existence I now find myself trapped in.
I am ashamed of my weakness. It feels like I can’t control it. I just need to feel something. Even if it’s a fleeting moment, anything other than this pain. “A-Ming,” I say, making sure to enunciate clearly. “I know the pain you endured with those dreadful soldiers. I apologize for asking this of you, but tonight I need to lie with a woman to escape this loneliness. Do you understand what I’m asking of you just this once?”
She nods, her head tilting up and down, and then points to herself and me. Her hands are clasped together as if in prayer, but she then flattens them and places them horizontally, showing how we would be positioned.
She goes to my chest, a small wooden box tucked away in the corner of my room, where I keep my most important belongings. With careful fingers knowing everything inside the chest is a treasure to me, she retrieves a dress that A-li left at Qing Yuan’s, a reminder of the time when we played the roles of lovers. The dress, a beautiful ensemble of silk and lace, holds memories of stolen glances and unspoken desires. She discovers a bottle of A-li’s perfume, the one she was wearing earlier. The intoxicating scent fills the air as she uncaps it.
A-Ming, in her own sign language, communicates her intentions to me. She gestures that she will wear A-li’s dress and perfume, transforming into a vessel for my longing and desires. She motions for me to close my eyes, allowing my imagination to take flight. With her fingers, she mimics a crown upon her head, urging me to envision her as the one who wears such a crown – A-li, the one who holds my heart.
As stunned as I was when she smeared and covered my face with her scent….I still smell her. That’s all I smell. I take a last sip of wine, letting its warmth wash over me, and the insensitivity settle in, leaving me comfortably numb. A-Ming extinguishes the candles, plunging us into darkness. In this embrace of only shadows, she joins me in my bed, but in my mind, it is A-li who has come to me, fulfilling the longing and yearning that consumes me.