Beautiful Dream But Impossible Dream
It used to be effortless, a mere administrative duty, like assigning new servants to different residences. The carefree days of approaching this part of my life with indifference, merely linking names to satisfy his sexual needs and conceive his offspring, are gone.
This newfound romance with the emperor is now a source of intense emotional turmoil for me. There isn’t a woman between heaven and earth that wants to share their husband. It appears I’m no different, yet here I am.
I have been staring at the eighty-three wooden tags with women’s names on my desk for hours, a procrastination technique that’s not working. The tags represent the emperor’s wives; I’m one of them. Choosing who sleeps with him nightly for the next month has become a daunting job, especially since I wish it were only me, but as the mistress of the inner palace, I’m solely responsible for this intimate task.
The imperial harem reminds me of a magnificent doll house showcasing the most beautiful collection of dolls but instead of dolls, it’s women. Many women are famous for their outstanding beauty. Drawn from various backgrounds, the harem is comprised with an enticing and tantalizing array of princesses, noble daughters, poets, musicians, artists, and even skilled courtesans selected purely for their extraordinary sexual prowess and ability to fulfill the desires of men.
I know this because I handpicked most of these captivating individuals, carefully considering the emperor’s preferences to ensure the harem would fulfill his physical wants and needs as well as producing imperial offsprings with strong bloodlines. The existing women go insane when I bring in new members and it never bothered me before, because I never saw myself as one of them.
I wasn’t a contender for Jingyuan’s affections, but the competition is enough to make my head spin. Now I contemplate their beauty, their alluring bodies, their sexual, artistic or scholarly skills, comparing myself to them, and it fills me with the worst sense of insecurity.
I’m not someone who’s overly proud or vain about my appearance. I’m not gorgeous or hideous, just average. My body is common. I also don’t have any outstanding skills, accomplishments, or talents that set me apart from others. I’m not too bright or witty either. Sexually, I’m even less confident, as I’ve only been with Jingyuan twice in five years. The only time in my life I truly felt sure of myself was with Jinghua, but maybe I was just naive and young.
How did I lose my confidence and how did my marriage end up in a complicated and messy situation, which I was trying to avoid?
The aftermath of my physical encounters with the emperor is now manifested on these wooden tags. They stand as a stark reminder of the reality I must face – a reality where the emperor’s other wives exist, and where I must force myself to navigate the delicate equity of love, desire, and duty. As I gaze at the names on the wooden tags, I am filled with a mix of emotions – longing, jealousy, and the unsettling knowledge that I am just one piece in the emperor’s intricate puzzle of relationships.
Jingyuan plans to become celibate for me is an impossible dream.
Out of the eighty-three women in his harem, more than half come from noble homes or are princesses from other lands who married him to build blood ties and ensure peace among nations. These marriages were strategic alliances carefully crafted to maintain stability and political harmony. If word got out about Jingyuan’s intention to become celibate, the commotion and repercussions would be immense.
The noble families and princesses’ relatives would surely be outraged and would flood the imperial court with petitions, demanding that Jingyuan fulfill his marital obligations. The pressure on him to continue his relationships and produce heirs aren’t something he can shrug off lightly. The consequences extend beyond mere petitions.
If even half of these influential families, including the powerful Shao and Chun families, decided to withdraw their support for Jingyuan, the stability of his reign would be severely threatened. Jingyuan has eleven other prince brothers who would contend for power in such a scenario. These princes are ambitious and cunning; They would not hesitate to seize this opportunity to dethrone Jingyuan and take his place as the ruler of the dragon throne.
I have caught lecherous gazes towards me from some of these princes, which only adds to the trepidation and uncertainties. To further humiliate Jingyuan, the rival princes would likely seek to subject me to serving them by force in their harem and reducing me to the status of a low-ranking concubine.
My father’s military influence would cause them making me their empress to strengthen their political power. However, my father would not give in. He would only support Jingyuan, which would lead to a nationwide war.
In this precarious situation, not only Crown Prince Haoyu’s but the unborn baby inside me, their lives would hang in the balance since princes like lions kill the offsprings of their predecessor. Like I said, monogamy between the emperor and me, the empress, is a beautiful but impossible dream.
I think the emperor was caught up in the moment as people become in the throes of passion, but he knows this truth better than me. We are not two people who can simply love and enjoy the simplicities of a monogamous marriage. It’s ironic we are married, but to be together, we must carry on with a clandestine love affair shrouded in secrecy and caution.
Hundreds, perhaps thousands, watch us constantly in our world. Every move we make, every interaction we have, is scrupulously observed. The sight of him lingering by my side or excessive favoritism towards me all have the potential to upset the delicate balance of our harem that awaits any disruption like an eager lover. It took me five long years to attain a semblance of peace, but even now, the small sense of accomplishment I feel can’t mask the bitter taste in my mouth.
Suddenly, I am plagued by the memory of Jingyuan deflowering that concubine in my bed…It was Concubine Fu, who plays the lute and has thick thighs. Granted, I suggested it because I saw the emperor’s roaring erection uncomfortably tenting in his pajamas when he crawled into bed with me, but he didn’t have to be so obliging, either. I had forgotten she bled in my bed and that hadn’t been an onetime encounter. I had fallen asleep the second time he took another woman in my bed, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
All these elements that never mattered has sudden become remarkably significant. This sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me regret. I shouldn’t have started anything romantic with the emperor and being pregnant is exacerbating my emotional instabilities. I’m crying again.
I feel absurd for being angry at Jingyuan. It’s not his fault. He is the emperor, and it’s his obligation to sire as many imperial children as possible. The blame lies with me for letting myself fall for him when I knew better. My shortcoming has caused me to slip into the web of harem intrigue.
“How could he?! It’s disgusting!” I yell at nobody and everyone at once. In a fit of anger, the book on the emperor’s nightly rotation is shut with a loud bang and hurled across the room.
I drink the room temperature tea in one go to quell the rising heat within. I can’t control my temper. “Little Min, replace all the bedding! Burn that tainted mattress and put my bedding with the donations…or no, burn them with the mattress. I won’t give soiled blankets to others!” I’m not one for frivolous spending, but this seems called for. “In fact, have my entire bedroom redone, so it’s new and unsullied.”
“I need to get away for a few days!” I toss my hands skyward, gulp down some more cool tea, and grit my teeth.
Little Min has become used to my mood swings. She doesn’t ask why I suddenly exploded. Instead, she nods and packs some of my clothes as I requested. I tell her my plan: I will send the emperor a message that I am visiting my family for a few days during the renovation of my bedroom. I believe some time away from him and the palace will help me clear my head. This way, I will be in a better mood when I see the emperor at the school opening.
As I prepare to leave the palace for my parents’ manor, Xiao Wei, my eunuch, enters. He’s not yet seventeen. His youthful countenance is accentuated by rosy cheeks, flushed from the biting cold weather outside. He informs me that his senior is swiftly making his way towards my palace, carrying a message of utmost importance from the emperor.
Eunuch Bo enters with a spring in his step. He has a big smile on his face today. He kneels down on one knee. “Eunuch Bo greets Empress Bai. The emperor has asked the empress to come to the Hall of Cultivation. The carriage is waiting outside.”
This is the last thing I wanted to hear tonight. Truly, I would rather sit with Noble Consort Shao Wan in my underwear and braid her hair than see Jingyuan when I’m feeling so unsettled about our current situation, but he’s the emperor. When he says to jump, we must ask how high.
Little Min reaches for my heavy cloak, the red cape with the thick wool white collar. I still disdain wearing furs, especially white fox, which is preferred by all the other harem women. She hands me a personal hand warmer and follows me outside. I instruct her to check on Haoyu. He was in a terrible mood. He pouted most of the day because I wouldn’t let him touch my breasts this morning. They have grown too sensitive, and it’s become too arousing when they are handled.
While in the carriage, I wonder why Jingyuan is asking for me already. We saw each other this afternoon. If I weren’t feeling peeved, I might be excited. Thinking he wanted another round. Normally, that would have sounded delightful to me. Since Jinghua was never a one-of-a-kind man. He spoiled me.
Despite my uncertainty about Jingyuan and our future, my libido is soaring because of pregnancy, and sex is on my mind all day and night. Our onetime tryst was remarkable and just enough to wet my tongue, but not enough to quench my thirst. Yet all my hopes are dashed. When I find the wrong twin in the Hall of Cultivation. I spot him, assuming he hadn’t noticed me.
My attempt at a quiet exit is thwarted when Jinghua sarcastically suggests I fear him, adding that he’ll only bite if I want him to. “Don’t sneak away, A-li. You’ll hurt my feelings.”
“Greetings, fourth prince. How are you, cousin?” I respond.
I put on a detached expression and walked up to him casually, unfastening my cape. I act undaunted by his presence, even though Jinghua still affects me. Our history is filled with tension and desire. I am determined to appear indifferent and collected to show him I’ve moved on. The sixteen-year-old girl he knew is gone, maybe burned up with Wang Meili.
“Thank you, Eunuch Bo.” I hand my cloak to Eunuch Bo, who is waiting with his arm extended. He vanishes, stepping backwards so as not to turn his back on me, then leaves us alone. I clear my throat lightly, attempting to steady my racing heart and force a smile. The corner of my mouth quirked up into the fixed grin I use with people I don’t like. As expected, he doesn’t rise from his seat to greet me as empress. His lackadaisical demeanor matches my own, a silent acknowledgment of our complicated past.
Jinghua gives me a scrutinizing stare, studying me. I used to shudder at the way he’s looking at me now, up and down—slow, creeping, and seductive. It is as if his eyes are undressing me. It is infuriating. It still has that effect on me, a reminder of the passion that once burned too hot between us.
He tilts his head down but glances up at me with crinkled eyes. He clenches his jaw, bringing more attention to his chiseled jawline, and slightly parts his shapely lips. That is annoyingly enticing. In that moment, memories of every second spent with him flash before my eyes, causing me to breathe harder. Finally, he breaks the tense silence between us and says, “You’re looking healthy. I understand that I should congratulate you.”
I haphazardly brush away stray hairs from my face to busy my hands. Then fiddle with my earrings as I take a moment to compose myself because even now he shakes me, but wavering makes me feel as if I’m losing to him again. That can’t happen anymore.
“Hmm. I guess the cat is out of the bag. I didn’t think we were going to tell anyone yet.” I don’t hide my frustration since Jingyuan and I had discussed and agreed to keep the pregnancy private for now, but it seems he has changed his mind without consulting me.
“We?” Jinghua’s mouth twitches. He chuckles, but it’s wistful when he grabs his heart as if hit with an invisible arrow. “We? Ouch, that stings more than it should. Well, I’m not just anyone, am I? I’m the proud uncle.”
He gives me another visual once over, gawking at me up and down again like he just did, deliberate and creeping, before his gaze settles on my breasts unabashedly. He says sentimentally. “Now that I’m looking at you closely, I’m surprised I didn’t realize you were carrying my child back in Qingshui City. I should have noticed. It’s obvious, unmistakable.”
Jinghua leans back in his chair, hands behind his neck, a gesture he and Jingyuan often do when contemplating. His dark eyes remain fixed on my heaving breasts. He repeats, “I must have been blind. I should have noticed.” He chuckles dryly, as if mocking himself. I pace slowly, trying to appear relaxed, but afraid that if I stop moving, he might shift his attention to another part of my body.
“Pregnancy suits you. You are glowing.” Jinghua uncrosses his legs, suddenly leans forward, and sets his elbows on his knees. His chin rests on his pointed and joined steepled index fingers. His dark eyes twinkle and shine. They are unreadable, and I want no part of them. He delays just long enough to make me uneasy, then asks in earnest with that smooth but edgy tone that used to make me tremble: “A-li, can I touch your baby bump?”
“Haha!” I gasp, outraged, and scoff at him. I chuckle, rolling my eyes in disbelief. Barely able to speak, it takes a moment before I utter, “Are you crazy?!” I retort, laughing. “No, you can’t touch my stomach. It’s not for everyone to grope at. Stop with your nonsense, fourth prince, or I’ll slap you again, just like last time.”
His face is lit up by a sneaky smile. “Go ahead, A-li. Slap away. I enjoyed it,” he says, offering his face for a slap. “I loved it, but this time, make it wetter.” He laughs, sitting back up from his semi-folded position. He is entertained and looking irresistibly charismatic. No wonder I fell for him.
“Ali, stop pacing like a plump pheasant in front of a starving man,” he says, a mischievous grin playing on his shapely lips. “Because it makes me want to reach out, grab, and eat you up.” He surprises me, coming off both aloof and outrageously flirtatious. I take a seat across from him, shaking my head disapprovingly at him, hoping he’ll get the hint and behave.
His words, mischievous. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, sending a shiver down my spine, which is annoying. I choke on my spit, gasping for air as my jaw drops open in shock. “Are you drunk again like last time?! Or is this your lame attempt at flirting with me? ” I exclaim, probably too loud, because he’s getting under my skin.
He ignores my question about flirting, but answers the one about being drunk. He holds up his little ceramic teacup and shakes it, causing the liquid inside to slosh around. “I gave up drinking after that night,” he says, his tone is defensive but fake. He’s being playful, and how vexing. He’s downright charming. “Alcohol makes me stupid. It messes with my vision and makes me hallucinate. I thought there was an empress in my bed that night.”
He hesitates, lost in thought, his eyes revealing deep contemplation. The lightheartedness of our talk disappears, replaced by earnestness. “Are you aware that Jingyuan is incapable of a monogamous relationship with you?”
He poses a question, one we’re both painfully aware of the answer to. It’s puzzling to me how he knows what’s bothering me and why he’s rubbing salt in a wound that’s already irritated and hurting.
I feel the crushing weight of this matter, like an invisible boulder has been placed on my shoulders. My heart plummets, sinking into the abyss of my stomach. For the first time since my pregnancy, I’m overcome by nausea and the urge to vomit. I’m affected by his words acutely. My head is down, and my fingers nervously tap my lap. “I know,” I respond quietly, chewing at my bottom lip. I say. “It was a delightful idea. I understand and appreciate the emperor’s sentiment, but it’s impossible. I’m not that naive to believe otherwise.”
“Your life would have been simpler if you were married to me,” Jinghua says. Without hesitation, I reply, “Yes, you’re probably right.”
The room falls into a heavy quiet, causing a suffocating stillness. The silence is broken abruptly by Jinghua, his penetrating gaze fixed on mine, searching for answers. ‘”Why did you wait five years to consummate your marriage with Jingyuan?”
This conversation has gotten too intense. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly through my mouth, trying to calm my racing heart. It’s difficult to suppress the overwhelming sadness that seems to linger, a constant reminder of what could have been. The room is heavy with unspoken words and unresolved emotions.
“I had hope,” I pause, then continue, “I hoped longer than logical.” My voice is barely above a whisper that trembles as it betrays me by wavering like my heart. “I felt like you were coming back to me. People thought I was crazy, but something felt unfinished and open-ended with us, so I waited, but then I heard A-ming was pregnant. That night… I was inconsolable and despondent. In all honesty, if Jingyuan and I hadn’t been wasted, it wouldn’t have happened. I guess I needed to feel something other than the pain, so poor Jingyuan got jumped by me.”
“Jingyuan is a virtuous man who forced nothing on me. He just wanted me to be safe and happy. He didn’t even care about our sexual relationship or the lack of one. When we got married, he made me a promise – if I ever wanted a divorce, he would let me go, and I couldn’t have asked for a better father for Haoyu. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve the emperor.” I say, feeling all the bitterness and resentment I held towards Jingyuan earlier, melt, leaving my body and disappearing into thin air as if they had never existed.
Jinghua’s eyes, filled with understanding, meet mine, his gentle gaze accepting me like a warm embrace. The faint scent of freshly brewed tea lingers in the room, mingling with the subtle aroma of his fragrance pouch, a scent that I don’t recognize since I didn’t make it for him.
We sit in silence, feeling the melancholy in the room. The tension between us is palpable, neither of us knowing what else to say or how to bridge the gap that has formed. I think closure will forever elude Jinghua and me, leaving only lingering regrets and unanswered questions. I know he, like me, can’t help but wonder what could have been, what should have been, if only things had played out differently, but we can’t go back and change anything.
This is our reality.
“If I wanted anyone to raise my son, it’s Jingyuan. He’s an amazing father to Crown Prince Haoyu. Our, yours, mine, and Jingyuan’s son Haoyu is one of a kind. Thank you, A-li, for giving birth to such an amazing child.” Jinghua says, and he means it. I know he means it.
“A-li, if Jingyuan ever hurts you, really hurts you, don’t be angry at me if I come after you again,” Jinghua states in earnest. “I can promise to be completely monogamous with you. I won’t even look at other women. I’ll wear those blinders like the horses do.”
We both burst into laughter. He and I are both making an effort to cheer each other up, but our laughter is fake as we try our best to hide the emotions we still have for each other.
“If that day comes, I’ll give you another chance, Jinghua, and we’ll start fresh. I promise,” I tell him. I offer my pinky finger, which he grabs, and we make a pinky promise.
I can’t hold back the tears that well up in my eyes. The more I try to resist, the harder the tears are forcing themselves out of my eyes. It’s as if the emotions have taken control of me, demanding to be released.
“We were good together. No, not just good; we were incredible together,” I confess while reminiscing. Sadness and nostalgia overcome me. We had something so special, perhaps too rare, that it made the gods themselves envious. And in their jealousy, they conspired against us.” I pause, my gaze fixated on the ceiling as I rapidly blink, trying to regain control of my emotions before Jingyuan returns.
This conversation should not be happening, especially not in the study of my current husband. But it feels cathartic to let it out finally. “The gods were so jealous they sent a crazy bitch and a green-eyed dragon witch to break us apart,” I declare, sardonically and wry with a bitter dry humor.
We erupt in laughter again, a bittersweet sound that echoes in the room. “But despite it all, at least we have the memories,” I continue, my voice softening from my emotions. “The memories of the love we shared, even though it’s over now. Those memories will always be ours, and no one can take that away from us.”
“It’s not over for me, Ali. I don’t think it ever will be,” he says, his tone cracking with grief. I turn my gaze towards him, my curiosity and concern piqued by the intensity in his tone. Tears are rolling down his face as I gaze at him, following a path over his cheeks while his Adam’s apple moves anxiously.
“Do you know why Jingyuan summoned me tonight?” he asks, tremblingly. “He’s taking you out of the palace for the Double Eleven Day festival and to see an opera about Zhinü and Niulang. The weaver and the cow herder,” he continues, his words coming out in a rush. “It reminded me of the Qixi festival, our wedding in Qingshui City.”
A lump forms in my throat. My cheeks puff out when I force an exhale through my mouth. The mention of the Qixi festival, a day that holds so much significance for us, makes my heart ache with a bittersweet mix of joy and sadness. It was a day when we celebrated our love, exchanged vows, and promised to be together forever. I remember everything vividly, like it was yesterday. The scene is etched in my mind; every detail has played out behind my eyes thousands of times.
I had walked through the sight of our lakeside wedding, with white dove trees in full bloom, and the sound of water babbling over stones as I drew closer to Jinghua. The ground beneath me had felt stable and cool as we bowed to heaven and earth. The taste of the tea we savored during our first sips as man and wife was the sweetest I had tasted.
On our wedding night, I saw twinkling brighter than the stars when he looked at me with love in his eyes. Our fingers intertwined, binding us together. We willingly surrendered ourselves to one another. Our bodies had come together, and it had felt like nothing could tear us apart.
It had been a beautiful dream.
I gather myself, taking a deep breath to steady my nerves. “I’m sorry, Jinghua,” I say, my voice gentle with genuine remorse. “I’m sorry that you have to see me with Jingyuan, and I’m sorry that you’re still hurting. But you should move on. I sent you beautiful women to keep your bed warm. Why not let them serve their purpose?”
The words feel empty as they leave my lips, for it is ironic that I am urging him to let go when I, too, am still grappling with the pain of our failed romance. Though I have made advances in healing, I’m a work in progress, and the jealousy I’m overwhelmed with when I suggest Jinghua take the beauties I sent into his bed makes me realize I’m not even close to recovery.
Not yet.
“Oh, about that.” Jinghua, for the first time, gets up from his chair and comes to stand in front of me. He rounds his arms and bends at the knee. “Empress’s unselfishness is too excessive. My manor is small, and it’s been a challenging task for all twelve new arrivals to my serving staff. My yard looks ridiculous, with twelve maidens standing around, moving pots of flowers from here to there. Hence, such beauties are useless to me. Please don’t send anymore and take the ones you’ve sent back.”
Jinghua kowtows, whimpering as if he’s in tears. When he’s down, his shoulders shake as he fakes cries at my feet.
I throw my head back laughing. Genuinely laughing hard. My loud chuckles echo in the study. I advise him suggestively, teasingly. “Why not throw all twelve women in your bed, blow out the lights, and play which sheath will I dip my long sword?”
The upper part of his torso rises, and Jinghua sits back on his folded knees. Offense clouds his face. ” A-li, you’re crueler than I believed.” He accuses me indignantly. “I’ve only had three sexual partners in my life. Min Qian Ju. A-Ming and you. Min Qian Ju and A-ming don’t count, but after you, how can you expect me to bed just anyone? That’s like feeding a man fat, sweet croaker, then throwing dried anchovies at him and expecting him to be satisfied.”
“Shame on your fourth prince for not appreciating Min Qian Ju and A-ming. No wonder she ran off with the cook.” I scolded him. I shouldn’t be smiling like this. I shouldn’t be blushing as I am. It would be best for me to act indifferent to him, but I burst out laughing hysterically when Jinghua declares, “Haven’t you heard the saying, once you have an empress, nobody else will ever impress. You have spoiled me in ways I will never overcome.”
“I leave for just a few minutes, and here you are boldly flirting with my wife,” Jingyuan states, amusedly, as he returns to his study. He promptly walks over to Jinghua, extending a helping hand and picking him up from where he is kneeling in front of me. Jingyuan’s gesture is firm but affectionate, as he gives Jinghua’s back a playful pat.
“You are quite the scoundrel, Jinghua, but what can I do but love you for the rascal that you are since you are my scoundrel brother.” Jingyuan’s tone is light-hearted, and it’s obvious that he isn’t angry or upset. As he glances at me with genuine tenderness, a warm smile spreads across his face. There is no hint of animosity or suspicion, just a deep-rooted bond between brothers. It’s heartwarming.
“Empress, if you’ll give us a moment to change clothes, then you and I will go on a date,” Jingyuan says, and here I am swooning again, like I’m fifteen years old. I must be smiling cheesily because Jingyuan chuckles faintly, then winks at me. I gasp as sudden heat rushes to my face, leaving me reeling. I rush into the other room and fan myself with my hand. My entire body is hot and feverish. I’m overcome by a feeling unknown to me until now.
Surrounded by the hustle and bustle of clothes being changed in the adjacent room, I eavesdrop on Jingyuan and his sibling’s conversation. Jingyuan’s voice carries a stern tone, revealing the dynamics of their relationship. There is a moment of sibling bullying.
“Didi,” Jingyuan says impatiently. “I don’t have all night. Must I strip you personally?”
Jinghua, clearly perturbed, responds with a low grumble. “You know I detest this.” Jinghua continues to bicker. “First, you rub salt in my wound by flirting and winking at A-li, and now I have to sit here while you two go on a date?!”
It seems Jingyuan is losing his patience because Jinghua next argues, “Stop, stop pulling at my clothes. Let go. I’ll undress myself! See? I’m taking everything off for you.”
I overhear the creaking of a chair as someone sits down, and the sound of boots being dropped echoes. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me; they wear the same size shoes, too.
Jingyuan says, “All you have to do is take a nap. My bed is comfortable. I’ll be back before you wake up from your beauty sleep. Bobo knows not to let anyone in.”
Jinghua groans in protest. “What if one of your wives burst in thinking I’m you?”
“Didi, that’s perfect. Allow them to assume you’re me and let them serve you,” Jingyuan replies, chuckling at Jinghua.
There isn’t any fight left in Jinghua. Now, he sounds like the disgruntled younger brother he is. He argues, “In our next lives, I’m going to be the older brother and bully you like you do to me.”
Jingyuan roars like I’ve never heard him before. Loud and boisterous. “I’m sorry, Jinghua, but you will always be the younger twin forever. However, this time, I will cherish you, Didi, since it took a long time for you to be born, and I didn’t know what I was missing until very recently.”
From time to time, Jingyuan makes the oddest statements.