I Dive In
Jingyuan~
“Emperor, Crown Prince Haoyu is waiting outside.”
I motion to let Haoyu in as a welcoming break. Jinghua and I are painstakingly reviewing current tax reports from all the prefectures. While I possess a keen eye for detail, Jinghua’s exceptional strength to detect irregularities surpasses mine. Like a hawk spotting a mouse in a vast barley field, he can effortlessly detect any signs of corruption or unusual activities in financial records, no matter how well hidden.
Jinghua closes and puts the report aside on his table. He rises and waits patiently for Haoyu. Haoyu holds a higher position than Jinghua. He needs to show more deference to his biological son. It’s protocol.
We can hear him coming before we see him. His steps are so loud. It’s no surprise to see Haoyu racing down into the hall of cultivation, just like his mother, Yueli, who also has a talent for speed. Yet, in contrast to our son who runs toward me, she’s been running away from me for weeks.
A tiny topknot now holds back his soft, silky baby hair, resting comfortably under his crown. He wears a golden robe just like mine, but it is only smaller. He’s a gilded blur. Overflowing with excitement, he waves his arms with unrestrained enthusiasm, his joyful gesticulations resembling a jubilant chimpanzee and spreading contagious energy, but for Jinghua, he puts on a show.
The sight of Jinghua evokes a fake composure, causing him to stop abruptly and ease his pace, a lesson ingrained in him by his mother. Mimicking my posture, Haoyu strides confidently and purposefully, clasping his hands behind his back like I do. His boots make a rhythmic thudding sound as they strike the ground, creating an echo.
He’s copying how I walk; he calls it “The emperor’s stroll.”
Dropping to his knees, he extends his short arms towards me in a respectful bow. He bows in a tone reserved for public audiences, “Crown Prince Haoyu greets royal father.”
Haoyu stands up, his slight figure extending upward like a sapling yearning for the sun. He circles to the right, his quiet steps barely making a sound on the smooth marble. He walks towards Jinghua, who is nearby, and repeats the same greeting. “Crown Prince Haoyu gives his regards to his fourth uncle.
Jinghua bows, showing respect with folded hands. He prepares to perform a kowtow, head drooping. But before he can go down, Haoyu steps in. Like a butterfly on a flower, Haoyu gently stops Jinghua’s bow by placing his hand under his.
“Fourth uncle is the most beloved twin brother of royal father. There shouldn’t be such formalities between us. Please rise,” Haoyu says, his face beaming a wide, toothy grin that reveals both his teeth and the charming gaps left by his lost baby teeth. Jinghua doesn’t return his son’s smile.
It’s a mystery how he pulls it off.
His absolute restraint in not interacting more with his son is unfathomable to me. Jinghua’s relationship with his son is intricate. His eyes give away nothing, remaining impassive about his true feelings. Despite appearing emotionally detached to strangers, I know he holds Haoyu dear. Jinghua cares, so he keeps a safe distance. It’s probably better like this, given Haoyu’s age and the immense weight of imperial royalty, especially without the added complication of two fathers. If I were Jinghua, I would do the same. My son’s well-being would be my primary focus.
“Father, Empress Mother has instructed Haoyu to deliver an urgent message.” He states, and I reply, “It’s a relief that one of us has seen her. She’s become quite elusive these days. This morning marked the eight-week anniversary of the last time I saw her.”
If I sound like I’m complaining, it’s because I am.
“That’s because royal father doesn’t know where to look.” He corrects me.
According to Haoyu, Yueli was silently searching for a lost marble under his bed coincidentally when I visited his palace yesterday. Haoyu also mentioned that when I rushed to him one morning after hearing they were having breakfast together, Yueli was silently organizing his coats in the other room with the door shut, coincidentally. That’s why I didn’t see her.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Crown Prince? I made a point of asking about the empress mother’s location.” It’s difficult to conceal my indignation when I’m aware that she’s avoiding me.
Haoyu recounts, “Royal father inquired if I had seen Empress Mother, and I replied that I had. You never asked where she was at that very moment,” he pauses, then says, “The heavens chose royal father as the supreme ruler, but as you are not skilled at drawing pictures of Eunch Bo, you have other shortcomings. May Crown Prince Haoyu enlighten you, royal father?”
Before I answer, he can, he does.
Haoyu thinks I ask the right questions, but not at the right times. He believes I should be more specific. He also suggests that I pay more attention to my physical health. He overheard the Noble Consort and other harem mothers expressing dissatisfaction with my recent behavior changes. They mentioned that I sleep excessively these days. My refusal of their sexual advances and the return of the women from Yueli’s nightly rotations worries them.
Haoyu suggests seeking guidance from the imperial doctor to get a revitalizing tonic for low stamina. This tonic would help me regain energy and desire to continue being like Haoyu’s male rabbit, with floppy ears. It seems Yueli compares me to the amorous rabbit, and Haoyu delivers gifts from his mother in case the tonic doesn’t work.
“Bring them in, Eunuch Bo,” Haoyu instructs Bobo.
Clothing rustles, their perfume fills the air. A dozen women dressed in identical red and white gowns file in, their elegant attire catching the eye. I suppose they are attractive, and their presence would draw attention from most men.
Haoyu leans in and whispers that the women are from the neighboring kingdom. The King of that kingdom secretly loves Yueli. He recently sent her a love letter, which she burned without reading. However, Yueli used her knowledge of his infatuation to benefit our realm. She came up with a clever plan to strengthen the friendship between our nations. She sent the King a generous gift – a dozen Huaxia beauties who closely resemble her. The gift meant to promote harmony irritates me greatly.
I should speak with that audacious king and my daring empress. How dare he lust after Yueli, and how dare she send him women that resemble her??
Haoyu continues, revealing that the King’s harem had been plagued by a lack of heirs, a situation that had been a cause for concern. However, to everyone’s surprise, half of the twelve women Yueli sent were already pregnant soon after their arrival. Fate had smiled upon the King, as these women sent by Yueli became the key to securing the future of his lineage. I guess these women are his thank you gifts.
With awe, Haoyu declares, “Twelve beauties—gifts of friendship from the King of Xianxiang, royal father. They are magnificent! Haoyu has never seen such beauty!”
As he gazes upon them, his eyes are wide as if enchanted. But Haoyu’s fascination has nothing to do with the women or their appearance. He’s mesmerized by the tiny mirror cut-outs on their shoes, reflecting light onto the polished floor. That’s what he finds magnificent and beautiful, but he has a task that has been assigned to him.
Haoyu walks back and forth, scrutinizing the women before he splits them into two groups. He turns to me and asks, pointing to the group of women on the left, “Royal father, which one or ones would you like to serve you tonight. Royal mother will have your selection or selections prepared for you.”
I sigh in frustration, suddenly feeling so exasperated. When will this madness end? I catch Jinghua smirking, immensely entertained at my discomfort, but he, too, will get a taste of my misfortune, because Yueli’s gift isn’t just for me.
Haoyu points to the group of women on the right, saying to Jinghua, “My most honored fourth uncle, these six beautiful women are yours. Empress Mother said you would need new women to serve you since Aunt A-ming was leaving soon.”
This news piques my curiosity since Jinghua hasn’t mentioned leaving the capital. “Are you and A-ming going someplace?” I ask, since such gossip doesn’t reach my ears often.
“I’m not going anywhere. She’s going to Nanyang and taking her children with her.” Jinghua responds indifferently.
Yueli told me what A-ming had said to her: Jinghua and A-ming were not married and the children were not his, but I’m intrigued, I pressed for more details. “I don’t understand. What’s in Nanyang?”
Jinghua glances around, a bored expression on his face. He mumbles something barely audible, “The cook’s hometown. A-ming and the cook have formed mutual affections. They leave tomorrow with plans to marry. I gave them my blessing. I wish them the best.”
Jinghua’s aloof tone lacks any excitement, interest, or emotion. I don’t understand how he can be nonchalant. He and A-ming weren’t a real couple, but she had been in his bed and once carried his child. Something transpired between them, but its specifics evade me. What was Yueli’s description again?
Oh, yes, Yueli had called it something outrageous — Friends with benefits.
My jaw drops in disbelief. “Let me get this right? A-ming is leaving you, an imperial prince, to marry the cook from your manor?” I blurt out, my astonishment evident in my voice.
Jinghua answers, swirling his teacup, his movements like a tea leaf reader. “She has made her choice. He’s an amazing cook. I’ll miss his cooking and the boys I like, but I’ll visit them in Nanyang. If the boys want better careers or education when they get older, I’ll support them.”
Unconcerned, Jinghua drinks his tea, acting as if the situation doesn’t involve him. It’s like we’re not talking about the woman who is leaving him for another man. But Jinghua loses all his composure when Haoyu says, “Empress mother said A-ming was leaving because the cook had a better cooking tool than yours and he was a better cook. Is it true, fourth uncle? Did the cook feed A-ming more delicious things than what you did?”
Slowly regaining his dignity, Jinghua’s gaze met Haoyu’s, speaking tactfully. He tells him. “Crown Prince Haoyu, you understand that relationships are complex,” he replies, his voice strained as if holding back a chuckle. “It’s not just about food or cooking tools. But some fates are fleeting and aren’t meant to last.”
Haoyu’s eyes soften with sympathy as he consoles Jinghua. “Fourth prince uncle, Haoyu understands. Maybe you should take lessons so another cook doesn’t outdo you again and ask the blacksmith to make you a better tool than the one you have now. I think your utensil was broken when you cooked for A-ming.”
The teacup slips from Jinghua’s grasp, and he coughs, choking uncontrollably until his eyes tear. Haoyu sees Jinghua’s watery eyes and mistakes them for tears of sorrow. Haoyu pats Jinghua’s back, then soothes him with a gentle caress on his shoulder.
“It’s alright, fourth uncle. You must not get disheartened. I know things will change for you as Empress Mother always says about you, “one day, the fourth prince will get what he deserves,” but for now, Haoyu is going to turn over all these beauties to help ease your heartache and loneliness. This way, you won’t even notice A-ming has left you.”
“Fourth uncle, you may thank Haoyu for these wonderful gifts and for favoring you,” Haoyu says and watches Jinghua expectantly.
Jinghua has met his match. There’s nothing more for him to say than, “Thank you for your kindness. Crown Prince’s grace is immeasurable.”
I’ve never been so proud of Haoyu, our son, as I am now. Witnessing his innocent charm as he just relieved me and forced the dozen unwanted women on Jinghua, as his mother does to me, is impressive. Why did it never occur to me to deliver some women to Jinghua instead of letting Yueli put them in my harem?
“Eunuch Bo, send all the beauties to fourth uncle’s residence and you know what to do,” Haoyu orders Bobo to prepare all the beauties to serve Jinghua at his manor, leaving the latter in a state of disbelief and astonishment. The priceless expression on Jinghua’s face is truly a sight to behold.
“Come, son. Royal father is proud of you. How should I reward you?” I gently beckon, my arms outstretched towards him. He is still just a child. With a burst of excitement, he darts into my open embrace, his small hand reaching up to tug at my earlobe. As he settles into my arms, his eyes meet mine with a mix of innocence and concern.
He doesn’t want a reward. Haoyu whispers to me, but it’s loud enough for Jinghua to hear him clearly. Haoyu is worried about his fourth uncle being lonely. He suggests I should write a royal edict instantly, ordering his fourth uncle to marry all twelve of the Xianxiang beauties forthwith. “Please royal father, let’s make today is an auspicious day for fourth uncle!” Haoyu appeals. “Shall Haoyu summon the minister of rites to perform the wedding rituals?”
“Oh, my stomach hurts!!” Jinghua doubles over and clutches his stomach, gasping. “Such unbearable pain! Forgive me, emperor brother, but I need to rush home to lie down!” He apologizes to me and Haoyu, explaining that he feels unwell and doesn’t want to spread any potential contagion.
He suggests stopping for the day. He tells me it would be in my best interests if he stayed away from the palace until he has fully recovered. Jinghua moans and groans in pain before hastily leaving. Having watched, Haoyu inquired why Jinghua had been too embarrassed to ask for a plum pot since his delay could mean a ‘missed window of opportunity.’
Yueli~
As midnight approaches, the servants inform me that Consort Chun, who is currently serving the emperor, has dimmed the lights in her residence. This simple act marks the end of my eventful day as the mistress of the inner palace. With a sigh of relief, I dismiss the others, preferring to indulge in a moment of solitude as I remove my jewelry without the servants to gather my thoughts.
Today did not differ from other days. Noble Consort Shao was outrageous as usual. She is convinced someone or someones are targeting her. Last time, she thought someone had tainted the water. This time, she says her food is being poisoned to cause her a miscarriage. However, no poison was found in her kitchen or the foods she overturned in her dining room.
It’s ironic that she fears someone doing to her what she has done to others, including me.
To ease her concerns, I have arranged for her to take her meals with the emperor. Women may attempt to sabotage each other’s pregnancies, but they would be reluctant to hurt the emperor. It’s because nobody desires any harm to befall the emperor, which would leave us widows at our ages. The emperor’s good health is crucial considering his recent decree. The decree names Haoyu as the crown prince and appoints Jinghua as the regent until Haoyu reaches maturity. Nobody in the harem wants to see that come to fruition.
She wasn’t the only one with issues. Fourth princess has an ear infection again. Concubines are complaining about not having enough coal for the winter, even though they have always had an abundance, and the emperor’s sudden lack of sexual interest. They tell me he’s refrained from bodily pleasure for weeks. I’m too polite to tell them. He’s probably grown bored with them, but it is odd. It might be the cold weather. I’ll have to remember to ask the imperial kitchen to cook him food that will increase his inner heat.
Outside the palace, a new school opens in just a few days. The emperor’s expected presence at the open house has sparked excitement and encouraged everyone to take part in the opening event. Noble families, who usually show little interest, are now extremely supportive when the emperor is present. Although they may not genuinely care, their contribution still benefits my school. I have no objections to them pretending to be virtuous in front of him.
There’s the issue with A-ming too; I’m worried about her leaving Jinghua. It is sudden, but I understand her concerns. She and another member of his household have formed mutual affections. Jinghua is the lord of the manor. It is within his right. Jinghua may want her to engage in sexual activities again, although she has the option to decline without worrying about repercussions, but it might be uncomfortable for everyone. I think this might have been another reason she didn’t want to have Jinghua’s child.
Jinghua gave her money and his permission to go. A-ming wasn’t an indentured servant. She will start over in Nanyang, where her future husband’s family has a home. Three of my servants are already in Nanyang, preparing for her arrival. She is deaf and mute, which puts her at a disadvantage wherever she goes. Her future husband may make promises he can’t keep if his family rejects her. Nanyang is far, but everyone knows I’m the empress. My people will serve A-ming and prevent any issues with her new family. The servants will inform me if something happens, and her new in-laws will realize that A-ming has my support, even from a distance.
With A-ming’s departure, Jinghua is on his own. He knows nothing about household tasks. I’ll send Nanny Tang from the palace to manage his household and hire new people. She used to take care of him when he was young, so they would get along well. Perhaps a Xianxiang maiden, being less complicated, will attract him and…
What in the world? How did I get here? How did I get to this insane place when I manage households and arrange bedmates for both my ex and current husband? It’s no surprise my hair is white.
Little Min sees me without my jewelry and steps in. Her nimble fingers undo the many pankou knot buttons on my coat and remove my dress. I stare at my reflection. I’m only eight weeks along, but my flat stomach has started to round and my sensitive breasts have doubled in size. Later this month, I’ll start wearing a binder to hide my pregnancy from everyone until I’m well into my second trimester. Imperial harem women face the greatest danger during pregnancy, with the first weeks being the most precarious.
“Empress, your bath is ready.”
Little Min leads me to the luxurious bathtub, filled with the delightful scent of red rose petals. The hot water enhances their fragrance. Stepping into the warm water, I feel the petals swirling on the surface. I relax and close my eyes, feeling the tension of the day melt away. Little Min expertly massages and washes my hair, sending shivers down my spine and tingling in my nipples.
I dip my head in the water, and all sound disappears. Only the thumping of my heart remains. Little Min brings me back to the surface and guides me to rest against the tub. Her hands release tension from my neck and shoulders, creating satisfying crackling sounds. I hum with contentment as her skilled touch relaxes my muscles. Then, a delightful tickle on my ear sends a shiver down my spine.
Then the voice. It’s not little Min, and that hair was a moustache, the emperor’s moustache. “Caught you little mouse,” he whispers in my ear.
I spin around, shocked, embarrassed. There he is, standing tall and bare before me, a playful grin on his face.
“What’s the reason you’re naked in my bathroom? Emperor smells completely of Consort Chun’s perfume. Is it appropriate or inappropriate to show up uninvited, stinking of others’ perfume?”
His gaze is locked on my mouth as he raises an eyebrow. “I heard you were having a bath, and it sounded like a pleasant idea. You used to enjoy taking baths with me when you were little,” he clarifies. “This isn’t her perfume, but the incense burner. I was sitting and reading in the drawing room alone until now.
“I’m not little anymore, and it’s not the full moon. If emperor would like to bathe, Yueli will leave.”
His grin grows wider, his eyes darken, as he slowly enters the water, the ripples lapping at his muscular thighs. “No, it’s not the full moon.” He moves closer, his hands cupping my cheeks, pulling me, our lips almost touching. “This tub is big enough for five. The two of us can share and save the servants the trouble of hauling hot water at this late hour.”
He pulls back. His eyes locked on my lips. “You’ve been quite slippery, elusive, empress?” He whispers. His touch sends a shiver of arousal racing through me as his fingers graze my ear. My knees weaken, and my breath quickens from his touch. Why is my body betraying me like this?!
I cover my breasts with my hands and tighten my stomach, moving to the other side of the tub until we’re facing each other. “I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. Was there something emperor needed?”
“I missed you. I couldn’t find you, so I asked our son. He told me I was looking in the wrong places.” Jingyuan says. His velvety voice, like a glass of wine, sends warmth spreading through me and making me feel tipsy all of a sudden. “Yueli, have you been hiding from me?”
I scoff, and my eyebrow shoots up. “Why in the world would I hide from you? But why were you looking for me? I’ve made all the arrangements for your needs, but why have you stopped being intimate with the other women? They are all complaining. Have you grown bored? Would you like me to get fresh ones?”
Leaning back, he stretches his neck, expressing his frustration. “I’m tired of wanting you while you give me other women as substitutes. They’re not the same. I expect nothing from you that you don’t want to give me, but can’t we just enjoy each other’s company? You used to spend time with me, just talking about nothing, but now I don’t even get that.”
He’s surrounded by rippling water. He approaches and gently takes my hands in the water. Then he pulls me closer, twirls me around, and sits me on his lap. It’s an intimate moment that isn’t sexual, but still makes me feel aroused and tingly, which isn’t helpful right now. I need to calm down. He presses his cheek against my back and wraps his arms around my waist. His warm hands rest on my stomach. Everything about him is inviting. It’s hard to resist the urge to merge with his body as his chest meets my back. He brushes my hair to the side, and his mustache lightly grazes the back of my neck, causing me to moan unintentionally.
I’m being torn apart by this inner conflict.
I’m alive and yearn for physical affection so intense that it keeps me up at night. I crave the inner saturation that only a man can provide, but I wonder about the emotional toll of being in a polygamous relationship with many partners. I knew what I was getting into when I married Jingyuan, but honestly, as irrational as it seems, I never planned to serve the emperor.
It’s difficult to accept the idea that I am the only one he truly cares for, even if he reassures me endlessly. The fear of him being intimate with me tonight, and someone else tomorrow, rendering our current connection meaningless, weighs heavily on me. What if more women come forward tomorrow, or the next day, claiming to be pregnant? The overwhelming sensation of being just another face in a crowd, rather than feeling like the one and only, is devastating.
I finally understand why Noble Consort Shao despises everyone. She hates sharing, too.
These darn hormones of mine. The tears are flowing again, and all I can do is cover my face and weep softly. He suddenly embraces me, seeing how upset I am. With a tender voice, he whispers, acknowledging the source of my anguish. “I understand what’s troubling you. In our next life, I promise that you will be my sole and cherished wife. I won’t have a harem of women. I swear, it will only be you.”
He strokes my stomach with a gentle, warm caress meant to comfort me, but it awakens my body that has gone too long without intimate touch. “You will be the only woman to give birth to my children in our next life.”
In between sobs, I respond, feeling a mix of embarrassment and entrapment in a situation that goes against every fiber of my being. “But what good does that do me in this life? In this life, between you and me, I am just one of many.”
“Emperor, I want a divorce. You should promote Consort Chun to be your next empress. She is fair and will serve you well. Crown Prince Haoyu should be raised by you. We can decide what to do with this baby after I give birth.”
I’m shocked at what I just said. I tried to avoid his gaze, yet he suddenly turned, forcing me to face him by holding my face. His face frozen in disbelief and hurt. I am also shocked, my eyes wide with astonishment.
As he utters each word, his voice trembles with despair. The sound of his brokenness resonates in the air. “It’s Jinghua, isn’t it?” he asks. “Even now, Yueli, you are carrying my child, but it’s Jinghua who holds your heart. What perfect timing is it for you two? A-ming is going away, so you plan to divorce me and return to him?”
He lets out a choked sob, closes his eyes, hangs his head, and tears stream down his face. Jingyuan is shedding tears. I’m overcome with remorse and dizziness seeing the emperor weep because of me—that’s when the realization hits.
It finally dawns on me.
The truth is brutal and undeniable: my heart has betrayed me.
My heart races in my chest, my palms growing clammy with nervousness. “Emperor is ridiculous. I don’t want a divorce because I want to go back to Jinghua. Yueli wants a divorce because..” I gasp, pausing, the weight of my confession hanging in the tense atmosphere. The steamy room feels suffocating, as if the walls are closing in on me. The taste of regret lingers on my tongue, a bitter reminder of the irreversible words about to spill from my lips.
“It infuriates me to see you with other women these days.” I sigh, breathing through my mouth. “Jingyuan, I’m consumed by jealousy.”
His head jerks up, his tear-stained eyes meeting mine in a moment of disbelief. His voice is incredulous. “What? Yueli, what did you just say?”
I shouldn’t give in.
I know better than to waver.
The vastness of the ocean that is Jingyuan’s heart is uncertain. The other women in his life are powerful waves and unpredictable currents, eager to drag me down and drown me. I’m not a strong enough swimmer and I’m terrified of deep waters. Yet, amidst the fear, there is a whisper of love. If I am to surrender to the depths, to drown in this tempestuous sea, perhaps it would be worth it, a bittersweet surrender to Jingyuan’s heart.
I dive in.
I dive in deeper.
I confess, “I’m falling in love with you, Jingyuan.”
Diving into Jingyuan’s heart against my better judgement and deeper than I wanted to or expected. Maybe I’m delusional to think this will work, yet he claims, “My feelings are indescribable. You do not know how long I’ve waited for you.”
My heart wants to believe him.
I lean closer, my heart pounding in my chest, drawn irresistibly towards Jingyuan’s mesmerizing presence. The air is thick with anticipation as I press my body against his, feeling the warmth of his presence enveloping me. The salty mist from my tears lingers in the air, leaving a faint tang on my tongue. As our trembling lips finally meet, a bittersweet sensation dances on my taste buds, a delicate symphony of the saltiness mingling with the hidden sweetness of our kiss.